The story of me being the dude who wasted the opportunity to be loved by the broken angel has changed me to someone new- the better version of what I used to be. I used to believe that if someone loves you so much, as deep as the open sea, she wouldn't change her feelings for you, not a bit, because she knows love is something that doesn't come easy. Well my thought was completely useless because "love is a verb"- we have to show it, care for it and make some efforts to make it stay forever in our hearts. I've been searching for it since forever yet I didn't realize it was so near to me that I didn't even bother to look at. I learned so many things throughout my few months of being in love- it's like you're having a camp in the wild forest and hoping that you'd learn something new. We will never realize the wrongs we've done till the rights come crashing in.
It was last night, when I met her again. I did not know what was I doing because my mind was clouded by the thoughts of seeing her. I promised myself to not see her again but my feelings told me to- persuaded me to feel the gentle touch of her heart again and heal the wound of yesterdays. I was taking care of our cat because she's gotta work and might have not enough time to look after her. That was the time that I asked her if we could hangout somewhere and have a little quality time together. She didn't refuse but I can feel the hesitation. Maybe she was hungry at that time that she'd say yes. Anyway, I drove to her friend's home and fetched her up- she decided to live there for few days so I guess why don't I use this chance to go out with her. She wore dress- it's like a dream come true to see the one you love wearing the most beautiful outfit in the world. She did bring along the jacket but I didn't want to wear it because she needed it the most. I mean she was wearing dress and the night was cold so yeah. Reality is I can never have the same opportunity to see her wearing dress every day because someone else has it before me.
We didn't do much that night just driving around the town to find a restaurant to eat- we did eat anyway. We did talk a lot that night. I can't remember what we talked about because everything moved so fast- it's like you're blinking your eyes and everything seems like new. I wish I can remember but so many thoughts in my head, so many pain in the chest. The only thing I remember is when she started to slap my face without good reasons. It was kind of annoying but who cares- you might not do it again anymore. I started to do the same and she was quite tough though- her cheek was like a bulletproof vest, hard to transfer the pain to it. I did pinch her cheek because she was bothering me when I was driving- I could've hit the tree or cars but I was fast enough to control everything. lol. It was a good time you know- it's like you're being kids again and do stuffs that might hurt the body but not feelings. If I were her someone special, I'd slap her till she cries and tell her "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, love you." countless times that she'd smile again and have the little fight once more. Reality sucks, you have to get your mind back and look forward.
The night went on so fast that I hate the fact that I gotta go back to reality later. It wasn't the best night but at least we did something that I will remember always. The guts to hold her hand again came to me uninvited. It's because I told her that she has fat fingers, which she hasn't anyway, but it seemed to piss her off. She didn't look at me- hiding her face with a pillow. It was her cute attempt to make me feel bad- it didn't work by the way. I touched her cheek with my fingers and told her how sorry I was for telling her that. I ran my fingers through her hair, again, to make sure she was just kidding. I wanted to say "I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Your fingers are not fat . It's just me saying those words to chill you up a bit." But who am I to her anyway. She asked me to drive fast because she wanted to go home early- since she's gotta go to work at 2 p.m or maybe she wanted to go back to reality in haste. I did what I did but it didn't change anything.
I sent her back home around 4 a.m. and it was not a good ending of the night. I wished time never really move so that everything would stay the same. I tried to stop her from going out of the car by asking questions, ridiculous questions that I already know the answers. She gave me back the jacket and went inside the house. I was still in the car when she's got inside- lying on the seat, thinking what did I do to deserve all this? Have I ever done enough to win her back?- some things don't change no matter how much we try to change it.
I drove back to my home with millions thoughts in my mind. I wasn't aware that what I did can never really change what has happened. You think it will but it won't. I texted her once I got back. I asked her questions which she has already answered few days ago. I was lost and confused. I didn't know if everything that we did meant something to her. Those were questions I wished never exist.
I remember when she said that I look like Augustus. I don't know who he is but I bet she wanted me to be that kind of person for sure- but I failed. Looking back at those midnight conversations makes me wanna be in that moment again- feeling the presence of love around us, the awkwardness we had and sweet times we spent.
Life supposed to be unfair. At the end of the day, there's only one winner and I'm the loser- losing everything I wished would last.
You cannot have feelings for two people and she has chosen the right one.
Yet I am just me.
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