The girl before dawn, Chapter 4

Eyes wide open, heart beats to its rhythm. 

After a year of grief— the unforgettable truth of loneliness— the wait has come to its end or shall I say the beginning of a new memory I wish to keep inside this well-bandaged heart eternally has just started. She— the one this heart’s been wanting—rises from the ashes of the past love, reappears again before my eyes with nothing but a new heart to offer and a new life to share. The life I lived has never been good since the day she decided to part with me for the love she thought could have or would have been the last thing she ever wished for to happen. 

A halo appears and the angels sing, 

how can I not say ‘Hello’ and love everything she brings? 

Never.

The past has been a loyal teacher that never stops teaching me how to become a better man than I was before. I was reckless— a man with a hard-brick skeleton. Long have I waited for this moment to come and never thought it would come at the moment when I needed happiness more than anything else. Selfish I was to think that love comes without a price. Now that I paid the price, I hope nothing but everything to last longer than my lifespan on this dearly earth. How can I describe her? The woman that I’d fall again and again until there’s no more space on the paper to ink the words on.

I used to convince myself that all I needed is myself and nothing’s more worthy than to love yourself.

Bullshit.

Life is full when you are loved.

I tried to find someone who could love me for who I am, but love is such a mystery game. You’d never know who you’re going to meet until you step your foot on the ground full of hopeless hopes. Been there, done that. Nothing fancy but a feeling of being shitty. 

True story.

You just know you are in love when your eyes can’t stop staring at those you love. Even a blink is merely impossible. So is mine. If you’re unlucky enough, you might be blind for just looking for too long.

First year

I saw her. I fell for her. As simple as that. No need introduction. No need orchestral opening music. No need anything but love that remains untouched. She might have changed in terms of looks and style but one thing I know for sure, her feelings remained for me. I cannot say I can see it or feel it. I can hear it talking to me like a fly flying around me ear. The way she looked at me is something unforgettable— even her smile kept me wanting for more smiles! It’s crazy. I know. Her beauty is way too hard to describe because even the angel might fall from the sky just by accidentally looking at her face. 

Literally.

I was afraid at first to be with her because I know what the past has done to me. Legs became numb, hands became cold. I tried not to catch feelings again but the feelings caught me unprepared. Those bad memories haunted me— and still is haunting me— but I never have regretted saying yes when she said that her love is as real as it can be. 

I felt it in my bones. 

It felt…awesome.

I began this new episode by trying to find my own weaknesses that might help her to get mad at me! Well, this is the first serious relationship ever for me. It was tough at first to understand each other because humans, they just don’t stay the same. I might have changed a lil bit and she, too. To love is to risk everything all over again. I pledged to re-love her with all my heart. I’m glad I did and still do. We started to get along well in the first term of this relationship. So many things to learn and I learnt it the hard way. I never used to having a serious relationship. I made so many mistakes that hurt her to the point the she felt that I wasn’t good for her. I still remember when I asked for permission to go out with my friends. I know it’s not easy for any guy to ask for that! But I  did…wrongly. I told her that I’d “ttyl” and she replied “ok tc”. You know you just started a war when this happens. I thought everything’s okay until she started to reply with single words.

And so I stayed. End of story.

I still remember the first time she celebrated my birthday. She brought me to this one restaurant, it was after she came back from school (as a trainee teacher), and we sat at a table for 4. As usual, we took the menu and ordered the food. Later, she told me that she wanted to take something from her car. Few minutes later, I was surprised with a slice of chocolate cake. It was an embarrassing moment for me because I never had that moment in public before. However, I actually felt so happy. It was not because of the cake but the effort she did for me. Small gestures could light up a heart for centuries. And this, I won’t forget. 

I just love her.

One thing that I really think is endearing about her is how clingy she can be when she’s with me— like a koala that holds to a tree but can be as clumsy as a panda when she walks not carefully. Hehe jk jk. She loves to have late night conversations because she loves talking about everything. Literally everything. I always end up being a lullaby for her to sleep— sing her her favourite songs and even tell her my childhood stories. To be honest, I kinda like it. I feel like I’m doing good at keeping her mind at peace without her needing to think about anything bad before going to sleep.

I’ll keep on doing that till this voice can no longer speak.

And I too will love her till I fall asleep and never wake up.

To be continued