Days went on as usual and there wasn't a single day have I forgotten about the mistakes I have made. The truth is the more you think about it, the harder to forget about it. It's like throwing pebbles in the water- you can never change the way it is. The eagerness to know how much someone can change just by hoping really didn't work out- I guess it happens to everyone to. Just by sitting and listening to sad songs don't really help you to get back and keep on breathing. Good friends told me that, to be able to stand up again is by forgetting what you've lost. There's this one line in Nick Santino's song, "cause sometimes the ones you love are the ones you should forget". I tried to believe but I failed. I believe that sometimes the ones you love are the ones you should keep. I wasn't a keeper but now I'm learning to be one.
Back to the story- the girl I long for. The memories of her never fade though I tried to make things that may cause hatred, annoyance and big problems- like really really big problems. It's strange how I still have guts to ask her out though I know it's wrong in million ways- for me nothing's wrong if you believe that'll lead you to the right path. It wasn't my intention to be in someone's life, uninvited. No one wants their life to be haunted by past- well I'm the past she wished to forget, I guess. Seeing her happy with someone else does not make me happy- who would be happy anyway seeing the person you used to have good times together being with someone who's obviously not you? I mean she's done keeping her feelings for me while I was just playing around and didn't pay much attention that she ever needed. I'll get used to it someday, I hope so. Sorry again.
The month July hasn't been good to me. It was the worst July I have ever had. July supposed to be enjoyable and so much fun- I was born in this month and still haven't tasted the happiness I wanted. I did get some presents from the family and friends like cakes- I don't eat cakes anyway. My sister gave me a watch- I don't like wearing watch because I'd prefer wearing bracelets. I know it's kinda girly stuff but it gives me strength especially when it comes from the ones you love- it's like you're receiving sorta positive energy to keep on going. The only present that I have been waiting for was her, bringing the cheese cake, candles and lots of love- surprising me while I'm pretending I forgot my birthday. Cut the cake together as I make a wish "Don't let this be the last thing we do together, I love you endlessly." We'd dance to the birthday song as if it's the last song we dance to. That was my so-called imagination which I hoped will come true- reality never been good to me since I breathed the first air. Sounds too cheesy I know. The fact of being a jerk canceled that off. Really sorry for myself.
Almost a week now I've become a living skeleton- lying on the bed, thinking about life; how it turned me into what I am now. The gut to ask her out suddenly came to my mind. I thought about it many times- is it a good way to repent what you've done? Do you think by doing this she'd change her mind? Do you think it'll work? So many questions that need to be answered but I ignored them because action is the only way to get what you really want to know. I called her friend first because I know she won't answer my call for reasons that need no explanation. My body was shaking when her friend gave the phone to her. I didn't know what to say first. So many bad things going on in my mind. Without wasting minutes, I asked her to accompany me to the uptown- where I wanna buy jersey and stuffs. But truth is I just wanna meet her and feel her presence around me. She said yes though I thought she'd say no. Wow. Maybe my day was a bit lucky. I'd be stupid to say no.
I drove to her place in the middle of the night. Playing my favorite tunes just to shape back the mood- sad songs, rock songs, country songs. All the songs that have been in my playlist for so long. Some songs have those special feelings to it that you may feel the songs as if they're trying to help you. Kinda weird to have that thought. Some people may say that songs are songs, we're meant to listen and enjoy but not me. Anyway, I fetched her up once I got there. In the car, we talked about normal things that people talk about- mostly we talked about her job, how she used her money to pay the college fees, car and how lifeless she's been since working. It was an attempt to bleach out the awkwardness. One thing that I adore about her is that she's so independent. She doesn't want to burden anyone- especially family. I knew that long ago when she was working for her mom and used the money to treat her young brother and sister- she also wanted to treat me Bubba Gump but I was so not in mood to go out. Maybe that's one of the reason she felt that my absence something that she hates.
After a long driving, we got there around 2. We walked around to find the things I wanted to buy. The place was so crowded with people- youngsters, oldies, kids. She wore my jacket because it'll make her look cool, maybe. The idea of holding her hand came to my mind when I saw a mom holding her children's hand- afraid of them being taken away. I slowly slipped my fingers between hers and hopefully she won't notice it but she did. She didn't refuse, surprisingly. Holding her hand was like holding a cup of coffee- so warm and lovely. My hands became cold when I was around her- keeping mine in hers made it better. We walked for almost an hour but didn't get the stuffs I wanted. We did get to hold a fluffy, lazy, and a bit grumpy cat. I cannot recall the name but I'm pretty sure it was one of the best moments. The thirstiness caught me when we're walking. I bought 2 bottles of drink and we watched how funny people can be when having karaoke.The night made us hungry. We went to a stall which serves the best char kway teow I ever had. She ordered one with prawns- though she's allergic to 'some-type' of prawns. Her lip swollen like it's been bitten by a bee. There's nothing I could do about it but hoping it won't make her fall sick.
Clock struck 3. I took her away from that place. Driving around Kuala Lumpur was my main intention after spending time walking. That hour reminded me how we used to drive around- to somewhere with no direction and intention. Only her and me, in the car having chat. The memory hit me so hard that night that I had to hold everything from coming out of my mouth and..eyes. There was one place that I thought would be great to spend a night together. We went to Genting Highland- coldest place in Malaysia and I wished Kuala Lumpur would have the same temperature. Sometimes coldness eases your pain by cooling down your heartache a bit. That's just a random thought of mine, really. It was tiring to get to the top of it. She was tired and needed to take a nap. Seeing her sleeping with her head in uncomfortable position was a sore sight. I offered her to put her head on my lap- with a pillow between it. She slept soundly- with slow music playing, like a lullaby.
The road was quiet lonely- few cars were seen. That's when the thoughts came crashing in. So many things playing in my mind. Why my life never been this way? What did I do that made her heartless? Why I was even born?- I left the questions unanswered. Not every question needs an answer when you already feel it in your heart. I tried not to think about anything because it will make me feel not good. I tried to throw away the questions to the wind and hopefully it will find the right person to answer it- the one who's got the stronger heart and will. The only thing I cared about that night was her- the one beyond my reach. It's a struggle that I must handle by myself, it's a war that I need to win without no help from others. Funny how you cannot get what you want because you deserve what you get. That's what I get for letting her heart breaks. It never seemed to stop bothering me because the pain I cause was beyond her strength to take it. Now the pain has come to me. Teaching me what I should've learned before- love needs a keeper.
An hour later, we got to the top of the place where we can see the fogs running around us like souls heading nowhere. Leaving the car wasn't the best choice because the temperature was being our "main threat"- the cold wind shivered our bones. Anyway, we had to come out because that's the reason we went up there- feeling the cold we never felt outside. She was wearing my jacket and felt less cold but me...wearing thin long sleeve shirt. I should've brought my varsity you know. We walked like a frozen-zombies couple- holding, hugging each other just to share the warmness of body. Personally, I felt like it was kinda meaningful- it's like sharing your life with someone you love, giving them the comfort they need. In fact, I love putting my hand on her top of the head. It's like the warmest place to put your hand onto. It's strange for it to happen after thing messed-up. I wish it wasn't so.
We were struggling to maintain the warmness of our bodies. The good way to do was running to some place warmer. It wasn't a good idea I guess because she's got asthma which kinda scared me if anything unexpected happens to her. I'd be lost for words. We stopped near a hotel or museum- I can't recall the place. We went inside and saw beautiful arts which we have never seen before. It's like we were having a vacation in Venice....or Venus- well that's what I said anyway. We captured ever moment using the camera- taking pictures of the place, recording a video of our journey in that place. Do I miss this moment? I do, always. Our bodies became warmer again and we decided to walk outside and feel the coldness again. The fogs were getting thick- it's like snowing in New York. I don't how to put it into words but yeah there you have it, New York. We walked around the parking lot. I said bad words to her and she kinda ran away and yeah I did catch her back. She wasn't serious about that though. It's more like when you show to a child a picture of clown and he runs away. It was cute, lol.
There was this big stone, three big stones where we decided to sit and take a breath. The view was so much like in the movie when you sit and talk about things and have a bit of fun time together. We talked about the Titanic- how we're actually having the same situation where both of us were being too cold. I sat on the ground and pretended that I was about to drown and she'd do anything to save me, well she didn't. Sitting around wasn't the option of us being there. We continue to walking around, hugging to share the warmness of body, pretending we're in the middle of something. There was this one couple- the woman wore a short dress (I don't what to call it) and she seemed to not give a damn about the temperature. Tough woman taking selfies with her guy in the middle of coldness.
Walking was a pretty tiring activity so we decided to sit on a chair. I showed her my bruised knuckles. I didn't mean to show but I did. I told it was nothing but she wanted to know so bad. I told her that I got it from punching the chair. To be honest, I did that because I felt that my life has completely turned upside down. I could've punched my face but I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough for all of this. I wished someone could give me a strong punch in the heart so that I won't feel the pain again. I wished it'd happen. Staying this way kills me, bit by bit.
Back to the story again, the coldness of night made us needing something hot. Starbucks was the only option but it's closed already. It was okay anyway because she's got to go back home. We went to the car in haste, in coldness. She offered me to the wear the jacket but I refused. What kind of man would let that happen anyway? She needed more than I needed it. I didn't mind if the coldness gets me sick.
We got to the car and out of nowhere I asked her "What are we?". I didn't remember what she said. My mind was blowing away by the thought that I'm gonna lose her again, tonight. I should've asked different question. I did remember when said "You're living in a dream now, let's go back to reality." I asked her to read my new post on blog earlier. Maybe that's what made her to say so. The pain of listening to it was too deep that I can feel the cut inside. People say "Nothing good happen after 2 a.m". Maybe they were right. I asked the same questions I asked before. The answers given were hard to swallow for sure. Someone's heart gotta be broken, I guess it's mine. I wished I never asked.
Dawn was approaching, I need to send her home because she's gotta go to the college to pay study fees. It was a quite night. The moon wasn't there to give us the light. She slept on lap my again. I ran my fingers through her hair- wishing that it's me that she loves. I slowly patted her hair while playing soothing songs to make her sleep well- it's like wishing a goodnight through song. She changed the tune by playing the songs from her playlist- when she woke up for awhile and told me that we should've eaten something before we get back. Like usual, in the middle of quietness, I have thought so many things. Something that I know won't make me better. Something that I don't wanna tell. I just let it be in my head and hoping it will fade someday.
Long distance driving clouded my head with awful thoughts surely.
I sent her back home at 5 a.m. She was so tired that I can see it by looking at her round eyes- dark and mysterious. I didn't get back home immediately because I promised her I'll accompany her to the college. There's no place that I'd be sleeping than my car. I slept for 3 hours or so. Sleeping hasn't been easy for me since the tensions happened. I didn't eat much and did nothing. Every day is like another day to regret, another day to forget. It just won't stop- so do I.
The sunrise woke me up. I immediately picked up my phone and called her, few times. She didn't answer because she was still sleeping. I didn't want to bother her so I put myself into "sleeping mode" again. It was 30 minutes after that I heard foot steps and it was her getting into the car. I was glad to see her again- it's like seeing your favorite person in the morning, watching her lovely face and never wanna get out of the bed. Back to reality, she drove the car because I was too tired to drive- no energy left. We did get there and did everything and 'blah' from there.
Later on we went to Kuala Selangor to renew my license. It was just another reason for me to have some more times with her- I get really messed-up when I get home and not seeing her, I really do. Again, she drove the car and me,sitting like a drunk dude who's just got back from hangover. I didn't really know why she wanted to send me to the salon. My hair's pretty when it's messy. I was pretty happy to know that the salon was closed. yes. So, we arrived at the post office (which I renewed my license). It was pretty clumsy for me to forget to withdraw money first. I had to borrow RM20 from her. Yes I borrowed money. Anyway, once things finished, I drove her back home.
Forgetful driver- that's what I am. I forgot the road to home and she seemed kinda pissed off, I guess. In my mind, I didn't really care because it gave me more time to be with her. So funny how things need to be like this just for you to be with someone. We talked about things we never spoken about and I did know her a bit more- that's the positive part of the conversation. I began to hold her hand again- I did not know what I was doing because she did a lot of thinking. I can see it just by seeing the way she looks at something. Maybe she was thinking about the future or past- I was clueless because she won't speak anything about it. Hungriness came upon her. She really wanted to eat but you just cannot eat without any reason in fasting month. So, she slept again. As usual, I offered her my lap and there she slept soundly. While she was sleeping, I told her many things and what I felt. I whispered to her "You think you're not beautiful when actually you are. Don't let people tell you things that may bring you down. Your happiness matters. You're stronger, stronger than I am. You deserve everything you want cause you work for it." as far as I can recall. I did tell her so many things that I cannot even remember. Things that I don't want her to listen if she's still awake. Luckily, she didn't listen. She had too much to think of and I don't want my thoughts confuse her. She's done listening to my shit and I don't want her to hate me because of that.
It was 2.30 p.m. and I finally reached her home. She was still sleeping on my lap. I didn't wanna wake her up because I knew that I'll miss the way she sleeps, the way she hold my hand when sleeping. It was a tough decision but I had to realize that reality is meant to be bitter and painful for me. She woke and it wasn't easy for me to let her hand go- knowing that she's got someone special waiting to hold her hand again. I asked her if I can see her again and she gave the same answer like the night before.
Everything we had seems meaningless to her- maybe there's something that she wants to remember but I just cannot tell. It's like collecting dust- only tiny spot of hope left. To be strong is to get up and face the reality you're having. Maybe something will change and get better- who knows?
"Save your heart for someone that's worth dying for"
Keep that in mind, you'll have reasons to live.
