Memories - word that I wish stays for awhile and never really stuck in my head forever. There are bad and good ones - obviously I'd rather forget the bad ones but memories are memories. We're meant to feel it, live with it and die with it. I had this memory - not sure if it's a good or bad one. I think it's in between. I can't tell if it's the best because it makes me happy and miserable, at the same time.
I once a stupid dude- well I think I still am. I never really realized something that I never wished would be the pain that I'll suffer for a long time. I once a dreamer who wished to hold something that I cannot even reach. The story of me being stupid is something that I'd like to tell so that people may realize how uneasy it is to be the person called 'myself'- full of laziness and lack of realization of something that's worth to keep.
I have had these strong feelings for someone that I long for. Little did I know, she also had the same feelings which she's been keeping for a long time too- she's like a broken angel who waits for the demon to get back to heaven. I wasn't aware of that much- you know, I was a bit awkward about this sorta thing cause I never been too deep about it. Sometimes the thing you never wished just appears out of nowhere to see if you are aware of it. Some things don't appear without reasons. I knew this thing's gonna make me happy for awhile and miserable for the rest of my life- I hope it won't.
Time was the only enemy I was afraid of. It's the metronome that shows you the beat of life- how it's gonna change you from the person you are to the person you don't wanna become. For my story, time showed me one thing- appreciate someone before that someone becomes someone else. I was so stupid to even realize about it- now it has cursed me for declining it, well I'm in doom. I never wanted to be the person that falls deep into the mistakes I've done and never wanna come out. I wanna break free and make up everything that I lost.
One thing that I did realize but careless was she was so strong to wait for me to be someone who she'd tell everything that bothers her, the things that I should listen, the things I should stay late at night just to solve it, make it right. There I was, being so careless about everything. Not knowing how things work. She had spent more time for me than I spent mine for her. I still remember the first I laid my eyes on her. I had this weird thought that this girl could be the mother of my child. She reminds me of Ted Mosby's wife. So much in common- strong, responsible and hard working though she doesn't play bass guitar, obviously. I still remember these words she said during the class ,"I can't say no to food" as she ran to her friend who brought the food. That's when I realized she's got the ambitious to get something, you know.
We had few good memories back then- driving late at nights, talking about how her life was a bit messed up, eating spicy spaghetti, taking selfies, eating the food I didn't like- I kinda liked that food, it's just that the mixed potatoes was to hard to chew,plus, the boiled eggs made me dizzy. I asked her to accompany me to buy books- which she knew that i don't like to read books because I love to write. Well, that doesn't make sense. Does it? She gave me little presents which I adore and wear it till now. I still remember the time we spent on watching movies. First movie was "Gojiraaa" (that's how Japanese pronounce it anyway). She wasn't watching anyway because she was sleeping like a little Godzilla. She once get mad at me because I asked her to watch the movie that she dislike and I didn't watch the movie she wanted to. I wanted to buy the dress she wanted because she looks good in dress I must say. That's not too much, I know. Those were the good times I wanna remember for sure. Those changed when I was spending more time for nothing but for self-happiness- which didn't happen at all. I forgot that the happiness is when someone you love spend more time with you than anyone else would. The ego had taken control of me since the beginning I laid my eyes on her.
One fine day, the moment I've predicted has come. The moment that changed everything- the truth, the ego, love and all that remain. She just couldn't take it anymore. She had enough of me for I was being dumb enough to not put more efforts on something that I long. The love she had for me was wasted by my stupidity and self-ego. I should've said "I love you" earlier. Was it the moment I've been waiting for? Not a single thing that can make me say yes to it. Hell no. Was I to blame? I'd say 'yes' million times I confess. Things don't last forever and I just wanted to make it right.
After the moment that traumatized me like a kid who has just seen a clown, I have made up my mind to get back the things I lost. Was it a good move? It was but it's just too late for everything. To be honest, I'm the dude who's only good at words and not in committing actions- that's one of the reason that made me wanna stop writing. I guess I will. I should've been there for her when she's in pain, I should've been there for her when she's tired of working for many hours. I made some attempts to win her back but I guess it was kinda lame. I've told her what I felt for her, the story how my heart trapped in hers, the story she wouldn't bother to hear. I started to think that everything needs to come to an end- but it wasn't the ending that I expected. I started to write poems of how stupid I was which kinda sucks anywhere. To win someone's heart isn't the easiest job in the world and I started to think that I'm not qualified to take it.
Few days later, I have kinda seen hopes for this to get better, to be the way it used to be. I've met her for the first time since few weeks- because she was in the period of letting me go. The time I met her, I wasn't being the person I used to be. I felt like I've been reborn from being such an ass and kinda developed the feelings even more. I've been someone that she wished I would have been long time ago. I was messed up back then- not knowing to feel the strong love and only notice it when it's gone. I tried my best to win her back- this time I did some efforts. Her heart was too strong to be penetrated again. That's the time I know that her heart's taken by someone else. What did I feel? I felt that everything around me started to fall down on me. It was the miserable at best.
The best thing to do was to let go of everything that you've lost. I was so stubborn to let it go. I never wanted to and still do. One night, she did give me little hope of being someone that she loves again, for awhile- around 2 hours. To feel what it's like be with the person you love so much- that it kills me if she's gone. She made me to promise that I'll be a good person, don't be a lazy ass anymore and don't give up on life though she's gone. I promised but I can't promise that I'll make it. We had an "agreement" that if she's 28 , still struggling for her life, or having fail in relationship, she would marry me. Of course it sounds funny but anything is possible. I couldn't complain much. Okay? Okay.
That night was the beginning of me being brought back to life again. We told each other the words of love, like we're really in love, made a vow, having fights, taking "invisible selfies" and keep it in our pocket. I experienced things that I never experienced before. We danced to our song, "let there be love" in the car- because dancing under the stars is too cliche. We did what we should've done when we were in love, when things didn't get apart, when I wasn't so stupid to not realize all this. We went for food hunting for the last time and we did in style. We had a pet which we found at the restaurant where we're eating- fluffy, with big round eyes and brown in color. Night went on with tears and confusion. We've got only few minutes before everything fades. We listened to the same song over and over again and hoped that it won't stop playing, holding hand like we never wanted to let it go. Time's ticking so was our time together. Dawn was just around the corner and we got to get home-back to reality.
To be honest, I never wanted all this to go neither do I wanted her to forget me. I hope that I could bring back the time we had together. I never wanted the night to end but everything has its end. At least i have something to remember when I'm sitting alone, listening to our song -when it should've been me holding your hand tightly, now.
"Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you?"
and
"Sorry in advance. I wish I was better" I was right though.
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